The only thing we have in common is our loneliness

Synchronicity is one of the most fascinating experiences to have — it’s paying attention to the patterns in your life, taking note of where they show up and what they mean for you.

Synchronicity happened to me in a beautiful way this week. Hans was getting ready to leave for the train station when he recited from Seven Arrows, “According to the Teachers, there is only one thing that all people possess equally. This is their loneliness.”

“It’s a quote that’s really been resonating with me lately,” he says.

Battling brain cancer throughout his life, Hans has a good idea of what its like to be alone. It’s a concept I could empathize with in my personal loneliness but would never fully understand.

One day later, Janice and I were sitting in the sun discussing one of the great icons of her life — a man named Thomas Merton.

Merton, a 20th century theologian and student of religion, explored and compared the vastness of spirituality from Catholicism to Buddhism. He passed away as a monk at the age of 53 in Bangkok, Thailand.

In his book No Man Is An Island, Merton writes,

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God.”

The “island of man” is a concept I ruminated upon most while I lived in New York. It’s not an unusual thing to think about while riding trains full of passengers steadfast on not making eye contact, or streets rampant with pedestrians pulling feats not to touch each other.

Humans are full of desire, and yet trapped in themselves. Our primal need to be understood is the one thing we share and because of this same fact we still cannot comprehend anyone outside of ourselves. It’s kind of a devastating Catch 22. Lives are often long spent trying to fathom our own soul let alone another’s.

In a video by The School of Life titled Why We’re Fated To Be Lonely, the narrator states that because we were born during the exact time in the exact place that we were, it’s almost impossible to find someone who will even slightly understand you. Our particularities in culture, family, and experiences dictate the shape and form of our souls, and that is hard to match with someone else who is equally as individual.

Merton writes that it’s futile to try to remedy loneliness. It’s no fault of yours, or mine — it’s just the way life works out for everyone. It is what it is.

Perhaps there is a way to connect on the one thing that tethers us all. Millions of love songs and self-help books on making friends would prove this true.

But no matter the relationships, the isolation of self will stay ever-present. There is such beauty in sadness, and the same with being lonely. The gorgeousness of loneliness lies in the exploration of your individual soul and the efforts in trying to reach out to another human. Often in our efforts to find understanding with someone else, magic can happen. Let’s take consolation in that magic.